So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
21 Times Karma Showed These People Not to Mess Around
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way