Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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