I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Randomize
