if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
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