I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
