she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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