I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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