I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
