Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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