i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
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Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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