im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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