My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
