Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
