I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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