Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
