Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
