good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
