There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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