Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
This can only be settled by a dance off.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
