$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
