Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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