You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Is Oprah even human
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
