I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
