I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
