When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
