i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
