Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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