EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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