Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
