Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
