Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
