If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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