i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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