I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
