I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
