I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
