You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
