Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
