I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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