Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
