Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
