Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
