There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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