Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
