I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
