I want to make a zoo with you.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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