Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
