I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
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Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
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Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
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