i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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