One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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