he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
