Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
