the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
