she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
