i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
