You're my little dorito
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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