I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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