can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize