made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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