I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
