I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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