DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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