I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
