and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
